The Front's Demands Scene
(The interior of MATTHIAS'S HOUSE. A cellar-like room with a very
conspiratorial atmosphere. REG and STAN are seated at a table at one end of
the room. FRANCIS, dressed in commando gear -- black robes and a red sash
around his head -- is standing by a plan on the wall. He is addressing an
audience of about eight MASKED COMMANDOS. Their faces are partially hidden.)
FRANCIS
We get in through the underground heating system here ... up through to
the main audience chamber here ... and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here.
Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and
forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?
COMMANDO XERXES
What exactly are the demands?
REG
We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the
Roman Imperialist State and if he doesn't agree immediately we execute her.
MATTHIAS
Cut her head of?
FRANCIS
Cut all her bits off, send 'em back every hour on the hour ... show him
we're not to be trifled with.
REG
Also, we're demanding a ten foot mahogany statue of the Emperor Julius
Caesar with his cock hanging out.
STAN
What? They'll never agree to that, Reg.
REG
That's just a bargaining counter. And of course, we point out that they
bear full responsibility when we chop her up, AND ... that we shall NOT
submit to blackmail.
ALL
(Applause) No blackmail!!!!
REG
They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had,
not just from us, from our fathers and from our fathers' fathers.
STAN
And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
REG
Yes.
STAN
And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.
REG
All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given
us IN RETURN? (he pauses smugly)
XERXES
The aqueduct?
REG
What?
XERXES
The aqueduct.
REG
Oh yeah, yeah they gave us that. Yeah. That's true.
MASKED COMMANDO
And the sanitation!
STAN
Oh yes ... sanitation, Reg, you remember what the city used to be like.
REG
All right, I'll grant you that the aqueduct and the sanitation are two
things that the Romans HAVE done ...
MATTHIAS
And the roads ...
REG
(sharply) Well YES OBVIOUSLY the roads ... the roads go without saying.
But apart from the aqueduct, the sanitation and the roads ...
ANOTHER MASKED COMMANDO
Irrigation ...
OTHER MASKED VOICES
Medicine ... Education ... Health
REG
Yes ... all right, fair enough ...
COMMANDO NEARER THE FRONT
And the wine ...
GENERAL
Oh yes! True!
FRANCIS
Yeah. That's something we'd really miss if the Romans left, Reg.
MASKED COMMANDO AT BACK
Public baths!
STAN
AND it's safe to walk in the streets at night now.
FRANCIS
Yes, they certainly know how to keep order ...
(general nodding)
... let's face it, they're the only ones who could in a place like this.
(more general murmurs of agreement)
REG
All right ... all right ... but apart from better sanitation and medicine
and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater
system and baths and public order ... what HAVE the Romans done for US?
XERXES
Brought peace!
REG
(very angry, he's not having a good meeting at all)
What!? Oh ... (scornfully) Peace, yes ... shut up!
VOLTAR PARA A POSTAGEM ORIGINAL
